A Family for a Lifetime: The EIL Connection
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
By: Heather Markel

EIL alum analyses the transformative experience of connecting to a family abroad

Heather gets introduced to her first cow milking experience in France 1986.

My French host father, Ernest, passed away in January.  I met him twenty years and thirty grandchildren ago, over which time they became true family in my heart. Simone, my host mother, calls me her eighth daughter.  As I flew over the Atlantic for Ernest’s funeral, I wrote a eulogy and thought about my experiences with this family and how they impacted me.

In June, 1986, I was a shy, sixteen-year-old, native New Yorker.  I was the only child of divorced parents and very accustomed to city life.  I reluctantly agreed to forego summer camp to instead spend six weeks in France and live with a host family through the Experiment in International Living.  My father drove me up to the Northfield Mount Herman school and left me in the care of 7 other teenagers and Ed, who would be my group leader.  Over the course of several days I read a pamphlet about culture shock and discussed my feelings.  I was terrified.  As it turned out, so were my new-found friends.  We shared our fears.  The biggest one was Qadaffi.  The next biggest one was living on a farm in the middle of nowhere, with no shower.  I knew as long as I didn’t die, and I didn’t get the “short straw family”, I’d be ok.  Once I finished the perilous luggage hike, I felt I could survive anything.

But, a few days later, while waiting for the bus bound for JFK, I wasn’t so sure.  I sat on the campus lawn and thought, “I can go home right now, and not go through with this.”  I liked Ed and my group, but I was afraid to venture out of my comfort zone.  I had to force myself to board that bus, and then the Air France plane that flew us to Paris.  These days, I run to Paris as often as possible, whether for a quick weekend, or a few days.  I’ve been to France so many times it’s become a second home for me. 

My first trip, however, wasn’t so joyful.  Ed got us to the Gare Saint Lazare where we caught a

Heather and her French family eating a meal together in 1986.

train to Bayeux to meet our host families. As soon as we arrived, the press asked us to squeeze together for a picture with the crowd of French people on the platform. At just over five feet tall, I had no trouble hiding behind everyone. The city of Bayeux would view the top of my head in the next day’s paper.  We were quickly greeted by a member of our host family.  For me, it was Simone.  Ed helped with the introductions.  Simone tried to say my name, “ee-zare?  Heh-zaare?  Eeee-thair?”  Ed explained that my name is that of a flower in Scotland.  Simone later looked up the French word for Heather, Bruyère.  So, I was dubbed “Fleur de Bruyère” from then on.  At Ernest’s funeral, I saw many, many familiar faces.  The people I didn’t recognize made me feel like Harry Potter.  Each exclaimed, “So YOU are the Fleur de Bruyere?!  We’ve heard so much about you!”

Before becoming Fleur de Bruyère, as Simone drove me to her house for the first time, she told me she had eight children seven daughters and one son.  Then she asked if I liked animals.  “Oh yes!  I love dogs and cats!” I eagerly replied.  “Good,” said Simone, “we don’t have any cats, but we have two dogs, and we live on a farm.”  I blamed my poor French.  I was sure it was just a misunderstanding.  “What?” I asked her to repeat what she said, hoping it would change.  It came out the same way the second, third and fourth time she said it.  As I watched all signs of civilization and city-life disappear, I tried not to cry.  I wondered why I got stuck with that farm family in the middle of nowhere.  When we arrived at Simone’s home, a huge crowd was waiting for us.  There were all of Simone’s children, some cousins, and grandkids. Each of them eagerly gave me 2 or 3 kisses. I was petrified and could barely move my legs.  Whenever I have returned, these kisses are something I look forward to, a special contact with new friends and old family.

Seventeen years after her first EIL trip, Heather milks her EIL host family's cow in 2003.

Fortunately, there is a shower in their house!  But this didn’t make up for the dread with which I ate every lunch and dinner with 15 other people.  They spoke so fast I hardly understood a word, and each time they looked at me, they laughed.  I stared at the ceiling trying not to cry.  I felt lost, misunderstood, and teased.  I wanted to get away from this family, and begged Ed to find another.  He told me to wait a week.  I learned to milk the family cows, one of which, Amazonie,  followed and licked me, like a pet dog.  I tasted the family-made cider which left my head spinning, but didn’t burn my mouth the way the family-made calvados did.  The contorted face I made in reaction left my family in hysterics. I soon learned they were full of laughter and love.  At dinner, Ernest made funny faces at me.  He made me feel noticed among all those people at the table.  By the end of that first week, my family and I became inseparable.  I can’t believe I ever thought of leaving them. 

Simone frequently drove me to nearby towns to show me, with pride, Omaha Beach, the American Cemetery, and the Bayeux Tapestry.  She took me to an outdoor festival in Bayeux where performers in traditional costumes wanted to dance with audience members.  Simone pushed me into the center of action, and my initial fears of dancing in front of many strangers turned into excitement. I was amazed and proud of my new ability to communicate with a huge family in a language that was foreign to me.  Because of Simone, and my joy of speaking French, I suddenly wanted to jump into life, meet everyone I could, and be in the center of activity, rather than hide from it. When I left them that first summer, Simone and seven other family members came to the train station with me.  Once there, they unfolded a sheet.  I was perplexed.  They pulled me over, and the opened sheet became a giant tissue we used to wipe away our tears.

The Experiment could have placed me with any number of families, in any number of cities, but

Heather and her EIL host father, Ernest, in 2003.

this was the perfect family for me.  When I met them, I was afraid of new experiences, now I crave them, yearning to jump into the center of action, travel as much as possible, and learn something new every day.  I once found it easier to be by myself, now I have more friends than I can count.  Everyone finds it impossible to believe I was shy.  I’ve evolved into an outgoing, fun-loving woman with a great ability to adapt to different surroundings, personalities and situations. (Well, except, maybe for bungee or airplane jumping.)  I’ve lived, studied and worked overseas.  I made it my mission to return to France as much as possible. In the summer of 1987, I lived with a second wonderful family near Strasbourg, with whom I am also in frequent contact.  I studied in Paris for six months, worked there for one year, and return as often as possible.  My connection with France, the Experiment, and love of meeting new people led me to become a leader of the World Learning New York City Alumni Chapter.

Ernest may be gone, but he has left me seven sisters, a brother, a wonderful second mom, and a lifetime of unforgettable experiences which have made me the woman I am today.